THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LONELINESS AND SOLITUDE

SUNRISE SOLITUDE, Kiawah, SC

I lived alone for a short time after I graduated from college and started my first real job at Hercules.  Karen and I were married not too long after that when she graduated.  We were together for 44 years until cancer took her life almost 17 years ago.  I was in the process of adjusting to living alone once again and walking into a restaurant where the hostess asked “How many?”, answering “one please”, and getting an unwelcome response of “Oh, Just One?”   And then I walked into a small restaurant for a late lunch in Blowing Rock where I was photographing the fall colors.  The owner approached me and asked the usual “How many?”  But then she surprised me when I responded “One Please” and she replied “Oh, then you’ll be in good company!”  I left a generous tip that day, not for the service or food which was excellent, but the life lesson from a woman who knew the difference between loneliness and solitude.  

About one fourth of the nation’s people live alone.  With the exception of a catastrophic accident, most all couples will face the prospect of living alone after one departs.  Even those who live with a partner experience time alone together.  I’ve observed couples dining out that make it through an entire meal without being in conversation.  People can be alone in a crowd.  People attending events such as a church service who arrive, go directly to their chosen pew, and then exit to the parking lot, practice “getting together alone”.  And how often do we see images of teenagers and now older folks out in public and alone together staring at their cell phones?

There are many positive values to the concept of solitude, however.  Paul Tillich writes that “Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone”.  The frenzied mother of four small children certainly understands the glory of some alone time.  Solitude is pleasant; loneliness not so much.  Solitude is good medicine for recharging and reflection!  Jesus often went away to be in solitude to pray and escape the demanding crowds. 

Finally, loneliness can be offset by learning our way around it and focusing on liking the person you have spent your entire life with in both good times and bad.  All people need a support network and social connections, like joining a breakfast club!  We were created in God’s image as relational beings after all!  And our creator has gone on record, as committing to be with us always.  So, we’re never really alone!   But of course, relationship is a two-way street.  We have to take time out to nurture that relationship and open up to the joys and concerns of our life.  We have to make a habit of talking and listening or we’ll simply coexist alone together.

No troubling emotion can resist grace forever,

especially the grace of God promising to be with us forever!     

 

SYNONYMS AND NUANCES

SOLITUDE

Language gives us the ability to communicate to ourselves and others by thinking, talking, reading and writing.  Other species have some ability to communicate but none of them have language.  Once we learn a language, it becomes as automatic as breathing and we don’t give it much thought.  It’s been observed that the English language is difficult to learn because of all the subtle nuances of words and their understanding of both the sender and receiver.  I remember one brutal winter night in Kansas when we decided to prepare Chinese food for dinner.  When I volunteered to retrieve the Wok, our schnauzer immediately ran to the front door for her nightly walk!  That happens to us supposedly higher intelligence beings also.

I’ve spent some time pondering over the nuances of the words happiness and joy plus loneliness and solitude.  They could actually be considered as complete antonyms.  If you Google these words, you will likely find them in a Thesaurus listed under the category of synonyms or comparable words.  But in my experience, I consider it good human psychology to differentiate both pairs of supposed synonyms in the interest of good emotional health.

At any point in our lives, if we focus on happiness as a cure for loneliness we will be left with a futile search.  Loneliness focuses on the pain of being alone, so it’s not uncommon for folks to seek a cure in quick, temporary, external, worldly fixes.  Joy and solitude can be found in seeking internal peace through self-reflection and focusing on relationships and the pursuit of making the world around us better than we found it.

The challenges of life and seeking happiness can sometimes be compared to a merry-go-round that becomes increasingly faster and faster.  The dark depression of languishing in loneliness can slow life to a standstill.  Both can drain your energy until you take the initiative to jump off, immerse yourself in the joy of solitude and recharge.  

 

SOUNDS THAT TOUCH THE SOUL

SOLITUDE

“Hear that lonely whippoorwill,

He sounds too blue to fly,

The midnight train is whining low”

The opening lines to the classic country song, I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry, by Hank Williams evokes memories of hearing that provocative sound in the very still of the night.  I remember hearing that sound as a child in bed since we lived within about a mile from a train crossing in Kansas.  The wind had to be in the right direction to hear it that far away, which made it evoke a sense of spiritual resonance.  That sound of a train whistle at major crossways can only resonate at a distance and usually late at night.  If it’s carried on a strong north wind in winter time the feeling is even more emotional.  I hadn’t heard the sound for many years after leaving home, but now I can hear it once again here at home in North Carolina.  It not only conjures up the same emotions, but also memories of my long-ago childhood.  It’s one of those extraordinary sounds that touches the soul.  And it can trigger nostalgia, remembering who we were and validating our own identity. 

That sound evoked loneliness in old Hank and obviously many others related to the lyrics.  But loneliness is a state of sadness, while solitude is a healthy state of meaningful self-reflection.  It’s a state of being alone without being lonely.  You can be lonely in a crowd, but you can’t experience solitude there. 

There are some other sounds that have the capacity to touch the solitary soul and evoke emotions of well being at the deepest level of human life.  One of the first that comes to mind is another one from my childhood of sitting on a dock and hearing the call of a distant loon over a moonlit placid Minnesota Northwoods lake.  I’ve been walking up a vanishing windrow of midwestern hedge trees hunting bob white quail and hearing their calls as they gather the covey together.  And many of us have quietly listened to the soft coo of mourning doves at daylight.  Then there’s the rhythmic song of cicadas in the trees on summer evenings while sitting with family outside on a wrap-around porch.  I’ve also been sitting on a rural river bank at sunset while the crickets and frogs serenaded all of us.  And who of us has been touched by the experience of sitting near the ocean at any time of the day apart from the noise of civilization and hearing the rhythm of the breaking waves on shore that takes us back to the first nine months of life in the watery womb?

A few other sounds that have touched my soul include the wind and ancestral spirits racing through pine needles at the ancient Mesa Verde ruins in Colorado, standing on the prairies of eastern Colorado and western Kansas and hearing the distant thunder of an approaching summer storm, and standing outside our home in central Kansas as a winter snow mixed with sleet gently falls upon frozen ground.  Distant church bells and windchimes touch my soul along with the whirring drone of an overhead airplane that slowly fades away along with all of nature on a late autumn afternoon.

It occurs to me that all of these reflective sounds that have touched deep within my soul were experienced outside in God’s creation.  Perhaps that’s why I still enjoy the solitude of being there.

LONELINESS AND ALONENESS

ALONENESS

 About one fourth of the nation’s people live alone.  Even those who live with a partner experience time alone together.  I’ve observed couples dining out that make it through an entire meal without being in conversation.  People can be alone in a crowd.  Families gathering around the television at night can experience the concept of “getting together alone”.  They are in the presence of others, but hardly any communication is exchanged, with the possible exception of debating changing channels.  People attending events such as a church service who arrive, go directly to their chosen pew, and then exit to the parking lot practice “getting together alone”.  And how often do we see images of teenagers and older folks out in public and alone together staring at their digital devices?  The entire world has gone through the collective negative trauma for over two years of isolation and aloneness during the Covid pandemic.

Loneliness can be an omnipotent and painful emotion for those who focus on being alone.  But there are many positive values to the concept of aloneness or solitude.  Paul Tillich writes that “Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone”.  The frenzied mother of four small children certainly understands the glory of some alone time.  Solitude is pleasant; loneliness not so much.  May Sarton notes that “loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.  Neither should be a lifestyle, but solitude is the better choice when being alone.  Solitude is good medicine for recharging and reflection! 

Loneliness is the inevitable experience of everyone, but it can be offset by learning our way around it and focusing on liking the person you have spent your entire life with in both good times and bad.  Instead of searching for people that will understand you, strive to understand yourself.  Introverts likely do have an advantage adjusting to aloneness, but all people need a support network and social connections.  We were created in God’s image as relational beings after all!  And our creator has gone on record as committing to be with us always. But of course, relationship is a two-way street.  He won’t necessarily come uninvited. We have to take time out to nurture that relationship and open up to the joys and concerns of our life.  We have to make a habit of talking and listening or we’ll simply coexist alone together.

Taking the time to refocus on others and not oneself through volunteer activities and activities that can still be enjoyed both inside and outside the home is mana for the soul and psyche.  It’s being deliberate in scheduling time exercising and exploring the world.  No troubling emotion can resist grace forever.      

THE SOLITUDE OF SILENCE

Price Lake, Blue Ridge Parkway, NC

“Listen to silence.  It has so much to say.” –Rumi

I was listening to the PBS program On Being with Krista Tippett this morning and she was having a discussion with a man who has apparently dedicated his life to recording the quiet sounds of nature away from the noise of modern life.  I’ve also observed that there can be moments of “silence” on a moonlit winter’s night when the winds are so silent that one can actually experience the gentle sound of a snowfall.  I’ve stood at the water’s edge of a mirrored lake just off the Blue Ridge Parkway at sunrise and experienced the silence of being still and knowing God.  The glorious silence was only interrupted by a bird’s song echoing across the water as it was stirred awake by the sun’s warmth.  I’ve recorded short video clips from my own backyard deck of bird songs at daybreak that are very conducive to calming the chatter of the ego mind.

The man noted that he has recorded the songs of many birds out in nature and concluded that the sweet spot of human hearing coincides with the range of their singing.  He believes that our hearing evolved over the millennia to be acutely aware of bird songs because foraging humans found those areas to be compatible with survival.  He also noted that the winds, especially those singing in the pines, have a higher range with shorter needles and a lower range if they are longer.  It makes intuitive sense that our environment and subtleties such as this can have a positive subliminal influence on our wellbeing.

Mindfulness teachers suggest that even if we cannot actually be out in nature away from the busyness of life, we can discern and go to a favorite “quiet place” in our mind.  I have at least two specific places in Colorado.  The first is at the base of a mountain lake in Maroon Bells National Park outside Aspen.  The other is sitting on a boulder among the pine trees as the Bernoulli-effect breezes slice through the pine needles in the canyons of Mesa Verde National Park.

Ralph Waldo Emerson encourages us to “be silent, that we may hear the whispers of the gods.”  Mozart understood that “the music is not in the notes, but the silence between.”  And the naturalist Henry David Thoreau observed that “I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.  We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers.”  

While extroverts often dislike being alone and introverts tend to prefer it, people do need a support network and social connections, while taking time for yourself outside in nature can be very healthful.  That’s something to ponder in this unprecedented period of pandemic masking, lockdowns, quarantines, Zooming and Facetime! 

 

THE BLISS OF SOLITUDE HAIKU

SOLITUDE, Kiawah Island, SC

Walking at sunrise,

along a wet sandy beach,

is tranquility.

Shore birds ride the breeze,

and ocean waves lap the shore,

erasing footprints.

A new creation,

emerges from the darkness,

and pierces the heart.

Pleasurable thoughts,

like puffy clouds drift in the,

bliss of solitude.

SIGNALS IN THE NOISE

Green Bank Telescope, Green Bank, WV

Country singer Kenny Chesney has a new hit song titled “Noise” lamenting that “in the streets, in the crowds, it ain’t nothing but noise. Just trying to be heard in all this noise.” Emily Smith in her new book on The Power of Meaning notes that “we humans have a primal desire to impose order on disorder—to find the signal in the noise. We see faces in the clouds, hear footsteps in the rustling of leaves, and detect conspiracies in unrelated events. We are constantly taking pieces of information and adding a layer of meaning to them; we couldn’t function otherwise.”

I like the analogy of seeking the signal in the noise. It reminded me of the ongoing scientific quest to detect intelligent extraterrestrial life in all the electromagnetic radiation noise in the universe and beyond. Phenomena such as gamma-ray high energy bursts originate throughout the universe and are candidates for extraterrestrial communication. Many folks aren’t even aware of the very sophisticated technology that’s been developed and employed around the world such as the Green Bank Observatory in a remote West Virginia woodland that listens to the noise in outer space. Then the challenge is to attempt detection of some possible signal in the noise indicating a transmission from civilizations on other worlds.

Our modern world is indeed contaminated with noise from our activities including all manner of transportation and electronic devices such as smart phones and 24/7 cable television. This makes it very difficult for us humans to place life on pause, jump off the merry-go-round and find a place of solitude. The Psalmist knew this when he wrote in chapter 46 verse 10, “Be still and know that I am God.” For our own sanity, we really need to have times and places of solitude so that we can listen to our creator and sort out the signals in the noise that can help us maintain order in our lives.

SUMMER MORNING SOLITUDE

Morning Solitude, Jamestown, NC

Every season has its special moments. The colorful turning leaves of fall are glorious, the stark whiteness of a fresh blanket of snow brightens our winters and the new growth and promise of spring is always bursting with optimism. And of course, mid-summer displays the fullness of nature at its mature best.

The dawn of a new summertime day this morning was one of those career moments in life. The overnight temperature remained in the seventies and a light breeze stirred the shimmering leaves in the trees. I quietly slipped outside at first light and turned on the backyard sprinkler. A fresh batch of rose blooms were opening their petals to greet the sun’s rays. Song birds and cicadas were welcoming one another and raising their melodies in rhythm with the oscillating sprinkler in praise of their Creator. The fresh water droplets gathering in the tree branches invigorated their spirits and small bodies as a summer dry spell lingered. The rainbow spray attracted more birds and satiated the parched green grasses to new life.

I gathered up the morning newspaper that had been deposited overnight in the driveway as another K-Cup was filtering a warm cup of coffee. Then I settled into a patio chair and simply soaked it all in. This was truly one of those present moments in life that I like to characterize as being "in the eye of the hurricane".

JUST ONE

Solitude, Wrightsville Beach, NC

The majority of the time I approach a restaurant hostess by myself, the Pavlov response is generally “Just One?” As a single senior and when I was traveling alone on business, I have always found this to be “unwelcoming”. On occasion, my response has been “no, not just one, me!” They never have a response for that and they never consider why it’s just one today. But yesterday, I finally encountered the ultimate response at a restaurant tucked away in the Blue Ridge Mountains. As I approached the hostess with a request for a table for one, her immediate response was “Oh, then you’ll be in good company”. I left a very nice tip. Today I walked into a local restaurant for lunch and before I could even speak the host asked, “Just one?”

Ironically, we were discussing church hospitality that same evening at a visioning meeting. Progressive congregations are now placing greeters in the parking lots to assist folks in locating parking spaces and provide directions to the correct locations at the church. Members are greeting people as they approach every open door of the facility and making them feel welcome. This is all well and good provided these folks have some training and sensitivity. It was noted that a friend had recently lost her husband to a terminal disease. The experience had prompted her to visit a local church in search of a sanctuary on a very bleak early winter’s day. When she approached the main doors a greeter observed that she was by herself. Attempting to initiate some small talk, he asked her if the family had let her come to church alone this morning. She was so caught off guard that she simply turned away, walked back to her car and probably never returned.

It’s been said that you should never make any presumptions about people because you never know what their journey is all about. And everyone almost always has something going on in their life which a little sensitivity could help to soothe and resolve.