ROBO REVENGE

NEW MESSAGE WAITING, Jamestown, NC

Finally, it was good to hear that the major cell phone service providers are about to release programming that will stop the billions of unsolicited, harassing, irritating, automatic, robo calls that have plagued all of us for years!  I just happened to be sitting in the kitchen killing time while the oven was warming when another call number appeared on my TV screen.  I had seen this number so many times lately that I recognized it was a company trying to sell miracle knee braces to Medicare recipients so that the government would pay for them.  First of all, the government doesn’t pay for anything.  We taxpayers, even those of us on Medicare, pay for everything!  Second, I almost knew their pitch by heart since they had been trashing my answering machine for literally months.  And third, I’ve had both knee joints replaced after using worthless knee braces and I have no need for a freebee brace at my taxpayer expense.

So, since I’m retired and have time on my hands, I considered it was payback time!  I picked up the phone and heard the repetitive message that this was my final chance to dial “1” for assistance, dial “9” or “2” to be placed on their “Do not Call List”.  I have dialed both “9” and “2” on more than one occasion and I am still getting one last chance to buy these free worthless knee straps!  Obviously, this is just a ploy to register what times I’m available to answer the phone. 

But today was different and I dialed “1” for assistance.  Of course, I was placed on hold with the requisite elevator music.  Finally, after about ten minutes a female voice came on the line and asked “Who am I talking to?”  That was my cue!  Since I had time to rehearse my lines, I began in my best big man anchor voice, “This is your last chance.  If you would like to speak to a customer, please press “1”.  If you would like to be placed on our “Do not Answer List”, please press “2” or “9” and we will ignore your request.  You MUST make a choice or we’ll send somebody over to poison your dog!  (Actually, I didn’t say that but it would have been fun).  If you would like us to call and harass you for the rest of your life, please leave your name and phone number.”

And from the other end of the line somewhere in distant Haiti or India, I heard an exasperated voice say “Oh Good Grief” and she actually hung up on me!     Ah, sweet revenge.