Divine Announcement, Bethlehem, Israel
Losing loved ones as we meander through life is a certain inevitability
of life. Our problem-solving culture likes
linear stages in dealing with those loses.
We’ve embraced the five stages of grief proposed by Elizabeth
Kubler-Ross in 1969—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But she was only thinking of those who are
actually in the process of dying, not necessarily those left behind or those dealing
with the loss of loved ones who have either left mentally or physically but are
still alive. And we attempt to embrace
the elusive concept of closure, but we still have to live with either a clear
or unresolved loss—which is OK. Many well-meaning
outsiders view our response as depression, an illness that requires a medical
intervention, but in the majority of cases people are simply dealing with
sadness. And sadness can be treated with
human connection.
I began to better understand these concepts while listening
to an interview by Christa Tippett with Dr. Pauline Boss who coined the term
Ambiguous Loss in the 1970’s. Ambiguous
or unclear losses involve those with no clear-cut resolution such as divorce, dementia,
moving away from loved ones due to jobs or war, MIA’s, etc. Dr. Boss states that you end up having “one
foot in the old and one foot in the new.
And one can live that way. That
may be the most honest way to do it.” Well
meaning folks tell you that time heals all, but that saccharine advice is
generally dispensed by those who have not yet experienced significant loss
yet. The intervals between highs and
lows in dealing with a loss may expand with time, but they never pass. I’m not certain that they ever should pass
from memory because they’re part of the fabric of our lives. This is normal. If you sincerely want to console someone, in Dr.
Boss’ experience a simple “I’m sorry” is sufficient. We can’t fix a problem with no solution.
If a loss seems without
sense or meaning, it will always be meaningless. Some folks shout to the darkness in anger
with God and that’s OK because he can handle it. I don’t believe he directly brings loss upon
his children, but he will be with you to bring good out of a bad situation to
provide meaning elsewhere in your life.
I knew a couple who lost a young daughter in a tragic auto accident
that carried on her legacy and memory with scholarships and discussions on teen
driving. We don’t have to accept any
circumstance that causes grief and sadness, but hopefully we can find a measure
of peace and meaning in how we carry on to help others in memorializing a lost
loved one’s spirit.
Victor Frankl who survived the horrors of the holocaust famously
understood that “Without meaning there is no hope, but without hope there is no
meaning.” Love and hope came down at
Christmastime to give all of our lives meaning.
Thanks for continuing your good work here, Cousin Larry. Although, I don't often comment, I always read your posts. Loss is inevitable, as you say, and every day brings its own struggles and rewards. Living is just like this. Acknowledging the sadness brings an honesty to life and can lead us into acting in grace. I find comfort in having received the love of Mom Davis, Aunt Mart, my mother, Gladys, all my spunky sisters and beautiful cousins ( I focus on the women in my life -- interestingly). Their love, and laughter, left an indelible imprint in my memory, and I find comfort in having shared their love. I was just reminiscing when I found your post, and your words brought more comfort than you can imagine.
ReplyDelete“The impermanence of this floating world
I feel over and over
It is hardest to be the one left behind.”
“You don’t get over it, you just get through it. You don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it. It doesn’t ‘get better,’ it just gets different. Everyday grief puts on a new face.”
Have a Christmas full of hope.
Well said cousin. And Christmas memories in our family are some of the best.
DeleteEveryone dies twice. The first time when you stop breathing. And the last time your name is spoken. We can’t control the first, but we can control the last. The holidays are a wonderful time to pause in remembrance of good times. And for those that are born twice, the worst thing is never the last thing.
ReplyDelete