A CHRISTMAS MESSAGE

God's Peace, Greensboro, NC

A Toddler's Joy, Greensboro, NC

I wrote a blog titled The Message about a spiritual moment that occurred just over ten years ago which my wife of forty years and I experienced at a relatively small garden park here in North Carolina.  Strolling through the park was a nice break from the rigors of fighting breast cancer and we both had come to terms with the reality of our mortal existence.  Karen had finished the rigors of an experimental cancer drug which she had volunteered to take in the interest of a miracle cure and research for future patients after the cancer had metastasized.  She remarked that she didn’t have the strength to walk far, so we rested on a park bench near a blooming Magnolia tree.  The July weather was perfect for forcing open the beautiful white blooms and the early morning dappled light filtered through the delicate petals. 

I walked over to the blooms to photograph various stages of life and in the process came upon a blossom that must have just opened that morning.  I returned to the bench where we both marveled at its flawless beauty and found a calming peace in its message for us.  It was a message that sustained us for those final fifteen days which followed in the hospital.  The memory of that day and the special place the garden park held for me remained in my heart but I did not return to the park again until last Christmas week. 

My visiting son-in-law and I drove to the garden park while my daughter met a friend for breakfast.  Our primary mission was to entertain and exercise my almost two-year old grandson in a space that was conducive to fresh air and open pathways.  And this park was ideal for such a venture!  He was actively enjoying all the circuitous walkways and it was all that we could do to keep up with him as he exuberantly ran through the park.  The Magnolia tree was still standing, but there were no blooms in late December.  However, we twice passed a tall serene black man in a black overcoat that walked by with a smile that indicated he was observing and enjoying the young toddler’s zest for life as much as we were embracing it.  When I said “Good Morning” with each passing, he only made eye contact and slowly smiled, but his demeanor was unmistakably different from the other strangers we met that day.  And that enigmatic smile has remained with me.

I’ve often mused that although Karen has not been physically present to experience the joy of our grandson, somehow there may be some means for her spirit to do so.  I have the confidence that we will all meet again in a beautiful forever and that promise is certainly enough, but I also know that the magnolia was conveying a message not of words, but of an image of our creator in all that is good.  And I also believe that he uses messengers such as winged butterflies and worldly looking beings to let us know that all is well—especially at Christmastime.        

COPING WITH LOSS AT CHRISTMASTIME

Divine Announcement, Bethlehem, Israel

Losing loved ones as we meander through life is a certain inevitability of life.  Our problem-solving culture likes linear stages in dealing with those loses.  We’ve embraced the five stages of grief proposed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  But she was only thinking of those who are actually in the process of dying, not necessarily those left behind or those dealing with the loss of loved ones who have either left mentally or physically but are still alive.  And we attempt to embrace the elusive concept of closure, but we still have to live with either a clear or unresolved loss—which is OK.  Many well-meaning outsiders view our response as depression, an illness that requires a medical intervention, but in the majority of cases people are simply dealing with sadness.  And sadness can be treated with human connection.

I began to better understand these concepts while listening to an interview by Christa Tippett with Dr. Pauline Boss who coined the term Ambiguous Loss in the 1970’s.  Ambiguous or unclear losses involve those with no clear-cut resolution such as divorce, dementia, moving away from loved ones due to jobs or war, MIA’s, etc.  Dr. Boss states that you end up having “one foot in the old and one foot in the new.  And one can live that way.  That may be the most honest way to do it.”  Well meaning folks tell you that time heals all, but that saccharine advice is generally dispensed by those who have not yet experienced significant loss yet.  The intervals between highs and lows in dealing with a loss may expand with time, but they never pass.  I’m not certain that they ever should pass from memory because they’re part of the fabric of our lives.  This is normal.  If you sincerely want to console someone, in Dr. Boss’ experience a simple “I’m sorry” is sufficient.  We can’t fix a problem with no solution.

 If a loss seems without sense or meaning, it will always be meaningless.  Some folks shout to the darkness in anger with God and that’s OK because he can handle it.  I don’t believe he directly brings loss upon his children, but he will be with you to bring good out of a bad situation to provide meaning elsewhere in your life.  I knew a couple who lost a young daughter in a tragic auto accident that carried on her legacy and memory with scholarships and discussions on teen driving.  We don’t have to accept any circumstance that causes grief and sadness, but hopefully we can find a measure of peace and meaning in how we carry on to help others in memorializing a lost loved one’s spirit.

Victor Frankl who survived the horrors of the holocaust famously understood that “Without meaning there is no hope, but without hope there is no meaning.”  Love and hope came down at Christmastime to give all of our lives meaning.

PLEASURE AND CONTENTMENT

Rocket Ice Cream, Denver, CO

CHRISTMASTIME

It’s been said that perfect is the enemy of good.  There’s a rapid decline in time and effort versus benefit once you pass the milestone of good.  Not that perfect may not be a commendable goal, but perhaps there are more fish to fry once good enough has been accomplished. 

Recent research has revealed that too many options actually diminishes happiness instead of promoting it.  Most folks would choose an ice cream parlor that has a hundred choices over one with just a few, but its been shown that trying to worry over the options for a multitude of choices just increases decision anxiety and regret for not possibly choosing the best flavor.  And keeping life simple by choosing vanilla is always a good decision!  I remember that our first family television set had only a handful of channels to watch.  Even then, I had to navigate miles of shag carpeting to change the channel and in some cases my dad actually had to climb out of an upstairs window to reorient the antenna for good reception!  Now I sit in an easy chair with a digital remote at my fingertips channel surfing hundreds of cable options and many times end up watching one of the original network stations.

When one of the wealthiest men in the world was asked by a reporter how much money is enough, he replied, “Just a little bit more.”  We humanoids seem to follow the lead of the mythic Tantalus, who never was able to grasp the sweet fruit that always receded just beyond his fingers when he reached for it.  While more of most things can provide more pleasure, they will not provide more contentment.  Contentment is understood to be a condition of the soul and comes with giving thanks for what we already have in life. 

The wise man chooses lasting joy over the elusive state of temporary happiness and grows where he is planted in the here and now.  Happiness is influenced by external stimuli whereas joy percolates from within.  Home is where the heart is and not a particular location or structure.  Its where we keep our stuff and build a life.  Nothing in this earthly life will ever be fully satisfying, but our positive relationships with those around us can sustain us and render life meaningful.  And our Savior has told us that if we love God and one another, we will achieve contentment.